-sigh-

It’s been slow news-wise ’round these parts, so let’s post some fake news: According to The Weekly World News, VP candidate Sarah Palin has shot and killed a bigfoot:

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska.  Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Read the full “story” here.

Putting an end once and for all to skeptics who claim Bigfoot is nothing more than a myth, the giant, hairy creature has been captured in the Catskill Mountains of Upstate New York.

“This is a monumental day for humankind,” exults anthropologist Marcus Wainright. “We finally have proof that this mysterious animal is a reality.”

But the scientific community’s eagerness to study the captured Bigfoot has been frustrated by the Department of Homeland Security. The towering humanoid vanished after the anti-terrorist organization took him into custody in the belief that he has ties to Al Qaeda.

No word on whether this was the same bigfoot that escaped those aliens last week.

Click here for the full article.

Two hunters who witnessed the scene said three little green men with big eyes and bloated foreheads snatched the unsuspecting sasquatch right from the cave he was sleeping in.

This sounds all too familiar… Bigfoot abductions are way, way up over the past five years, and the government’s refusal to even look into the matter points to a massive conspiracy.

The story’s a bit light on the details, but goes on to say:

“Not two minutes after they closed the door, however, it opened back up and the Bigfoot came crashing down the ramp,” he said. “I guess the aliens didn’t know exactly how bad these pioneering Bigfoots smelled.

This account is obviously tainted by the hunters’ prejudices about bigfoot. In fact, I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up this common misconception: Bigfoot does not smell bad. Most sasquatch bathe daily, and some even use scented hair gels.

If I saw bigfoot come back out of the ship, my first reaction would be to call an ambulance, because you know there are likely three dead aliens on that ship now. Bigfoot’s pretty good at playing along with jokes up to a point, but you know when they started strapping him down, things probably got real ugly real quick.

I won’t comment on the reporter’s apparent lack of basic journalistic skills such as the ability to write, or knowledge of the five Ws.

Here’s a link to the full story.