By the staggeringly talented earworm generator known to authorities only as “Parry Gripp.”

Vanity Fair’s Eric Spitznagel attended the Texas Bigfoot Conference in October, and reveals the sordid truth about Bigfoot’s private life:

Drawing on interviews with dozens of eye-witnesses, Fahrenbach went on to say that Bigfoot’s diet is rich in mussels, clams, peacocks, and the “hindquarter” of deer. He insisted that Bigfoots enjoy wrestling, tickle fights, and, most surprisingly, gangbangs. He assured us that even a horny Sasquatch has an impeccable sense of orgy etiquette.

“When an especially large male came onto the scene,” Fahrenbach said, describing a sexual pileup involving one willing female and lots of dudes, “he didn’t try to buck the line but simply stood there and took his turn in good time.”

The full article’s worth a read: Here’s the link.

Roger Hagadone’s website doesn’t give much point of reference for these bigfoot photos, but they’re well done, so here’s the link.

A new sighting of South America’s ‘creepy gnome’ has caused panic among locals after a group of youngsters claimed a ‘midget monster’ ran towards them at night.

The teens – who recorded footage of the freaky being on their mobile phone – said they are now “too terrified” to go out at night.

Meanwhile, back in the ol’ U.S. of A., I sit laughing at the cowardice of these Argentinians. The thing’s like two feet tall. Bigfoot’s poop is bigger than that.

The Sun has more “details” and video here.

Got an email over the weekend from Glarkware letting me know that their Bigfoot vs. Abe Lincoln (discussed previously here) t-shirt is back in stock. Link below - get orderin’!

Link

Another f-ed up video:

I am convinced that everyone on Earth is much, much weirder than they’d have you believe.

This is not at all cryptid related, but it’s the creepiest goddamn thing I’ve seen in a while. Frankly, I can’t believe it’s real… but it is:

Just in case you don’t have enough presidential bigfoot t-shirts, shirt.woot.com is offering the above design with a bit of Loch Ness flavor thrown in.

Myself? I prefer the Cthulu ticket, even though he hasn’t chosen (and by “chosen” I mean “not devoured”) a running mate yet.

This is just… odd. Dan Ackroyd (of Ghostbusters and My Stepmother Is an Alien fame) is peddling liquor. Specifically, Crystal Head Vodka.

No ordinary vodka this… It’s triple-diamond filtered and bottled in a crystal skull. And yes, it’s a reference to those crystal skulls.

It can be had from several online retailers (assuming your state allows liquor purchases in that manner) at about $40 a bottle. Try here.

So it might be good and pure, and it might even put you in touch with the mystical plane of Zabuzu, but one thing’s for certain: It’ll never top Danny DeVito’s Limoncello.